This is Emiley, the author of our second entry on chapter 8. She said, "As far back as I can remember, every summer, my parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents would all go together on a summer vacation to the beach for about a week. Now, since I'm older, I value my family time and realize how lucky I am to have a family that likes to do things together." Emiley has shared a few other family examples and compared them with Elkind's ideas about parenting. Happy reading!Elkind describes lighthearted parenting as “parents making an ongoing effort to integrate play, love, and work into their child rearing practices” (p. 171). Parents accomplish this by using humor to socialize and discipline, by sharing their passions, and by establishing patterns of family play, games, and experience sharing.
In the beginning of the chapter, Elkind mentions the importance of toddlers needing to develop a number of expectations that parents can encourage with laughter. An example of this is putting on a silly hat or changing your voice when reading a story. Elkind expresses that these examples are the unexpected things that children find funny. For the development of a child, I agree with Elkind. However, on page 177, Elkind uses discipline with humor in a manner I do not agree with. An example that Elkind gives is Mom and Dad leaving their 12-year-old son home alone while they ran errands. The son’s only job was to make sure the dog went outside to relieve itself. When Mom and Dad came back and saw the “mess” on the carpet, Dad was upset. Dad wanted to yell at the son but instead he balled up his fist and pounded his palm and said, “To the moon, Paul.” This was a way for Dad to get his anger out and feel humored at the same time instead of making a big deal about it.
This incident reminded me of a similar, personal experience. When I was growing up, we had a rule of no eating or drinking in the living room because we just got new carpet. Well, I didn’t think that I was going to spill my soda, so I brought it in the living room despite the rule. My dog ended up knocking the cup off of the coffee table and the soda spilt. As I tried to clean up the mess, my mom walked in. Mom looked at me and said, “This is why we have rules. I’m mad that you did not follow them.” I felt bad for what I did and apologized to my mom. She assured me that the carpet would look like new after it dried. In this case, my mom did not use humor to discipline me, and I think that this is an alternative that I prefer to use instead of humor. I don’t think it is bad if you express what you actually feel to your child. However, I think it should be done in a manner where it doesn’t put down the child’s character or directly attack them. In lighthearted parenting, Elkind believes that the outcome of humor discipline is an “effective and constructive way of handling their emotion” (p. 178). I think that showing your emotions and explaining why you feel the way you do could have the same outcome.
Elkind also mentions that there are other ways to express lighthearted parenting. This could be sharing our passions with our kids and making time for our families. Elkind states, “One of the best ways of ensuring that our children both play and develop lifelong habits of play is to share our personal passion with them” (p. 182). Some examples of this that the book lists are fishing, gardening, golfing, etc. When growing up, I experienced this because my grandmother often shared her passions with me. I spent a lot of time with her after school when my parents worked late. My grandmother loved to work on her oil paintings in the evenings before dinner. I always showed an interest in what she did. Eventually, she bought me my own canvas, stand, paint and brushes and showed me some of her techniques. I value this time that I shared with my grandmother and I loved being able to spend that time “playing” with her. It’s a lifelong passion that I will always have. As Elkind concluded, “When we share experiences with our children, we come to appreciate them as individuals and give them the freedom to be the best that they can be” (p. 193). I feel that this quote is something from which everyone can learn.
While I like Elkind's ideas about using humor in parenting -- even in disciplining children -- I also think you've made a very good point about the value of letting children see our emotions. A very important aspect of emotional intelligence is being able to connect situations with appropriate emotions, so letting children see the many emotions -- good and bad -- that we have, and what causes those emotions, is important. Of course, it's also important that we don't lose control of our emotions when we're with them, so there are important limits to doing that...but it can be very beneficial. If a child never sees that a parent gets frustrated or angry with his behavior, it's going to be quite shocking when others get irritated or angry with the same behavior. And those emotions are ok...as long as we express them appropriately.
ReplyDeleteI loved that you didn't feel like you had to agree with everything that Elkind says in his book. I believe an important part of parenting is being able to listen to advice and judge whether it is good or bad based on past experiences, personal values, and child development knowledge. I would also have to agree with you. I think that parents should never mask their true emotions, as long as they have the ability to keep those emotions in check. Children learn how to react to their own emotions by witnessing how their parents handle them, and they need to know that it is okay to feel those "bad" emotions such as anger and frustration. Any way, I really enjoyed reading your blog entry. Thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteKathleen Campagna
This chapter caught my attention because Elkind talks about putting humor into discipline and makes me wonder if that is something constructive to do with kids. I think there are times when humor can be used to discipline less serious conditions. On the other hand, if something makes a parent become really mad I do not think it is a good idea to keep it inside by turning the negative feelings into positive ones. I say this because I feel the anger can come back later to the parent and could make things even worse. I really enjoyed your personal story about how your mom did not use humor into the accident that occurred, but instead she expressed how she felt about the situation. I hope to learn how to deal with areas of discipline that will benefit both the child and the adult without having to completely erase the fun out of things.
ReplyDelete~ Christina Alvarez~
Emiley,
ReplyDeleteI found it interesting that you did not agree with Elkind's views about using humor to discipline. Personally, I favored his beliefs about this subject. However, your statements made me think about how humor can easily be misused with children. For example, if a child is often surrounded by a parent who jokes about other cultures or religions, the child is extremely likely to participate in this type of behavior as well. Elkind also spoke about this issue in the chapter, and it really just reassured me of the potent influence adults have on children with the things they do and say while in their presence.
I liked how you explained that it is not damaging for parents to express their true feelings with their children (even if they are feelings of severe anger) and explain to them the reasoning behind the feelings. As long as parents do it in a way that does not crush their children's self-esteem or directly attack them, like you said, then it can be profoundly effective. The best quote in the chapter to further expand on this is, "While our children's unacceptable behavior is short lived, how we handle that behavior has long lasting consequences." (p. 178). I absolutely loved that quote and thought it tied in perfectly with what you said.
It is quite special that your grandmother shared her love of oil painting with you at a young age, and that you were able to find a great interest in it. You gave a great example of lighthearted parenting through sharing personal passions with children!
Kristin Livanis
Emiley,
ReplyDeleteI most definitely agree with the point you made about intertwining discipline and humor. I too feel that the two concepts do not mesh well together. I would most likely follow the examples of your mother and express my feelings for the wrong doing. It seems to me that incorporating humor and discipline might confuse the child.
I also feel it is part of a child's learning experience to be able to share their passions with their parents. This not only allows the child to become closer to their parents, but it also helps the child to identify with themselves. Sometimes children do not know what they are good at or how to accomplish certain tasks that they have been wanting to try. Since children emulate and imitate most things adults do, sharing a positive passion may help the child rear themselves into a new practice. By your grandmother showing you her love for oil painting, you too developed a love for something different that not many people consider, which I find excellent!
--Lai Robinson
Emiley,
ReplyDeleteI found your thoughts on humor as a form of rearing valid. I feel it is important for children to be disciplined and know that there will be consequences for their actions. With that said, I think that Elkind’s reaction to the “mess” had both positive and negative aspects. It is nice to see that he managed to change the anger he felt and see the humor in it, most importantly not burst with anger towards his child. At the same time I think he should have taken the opportunity to let his child know that he needs to be responsible and care for the duties he is assigned, in this case the dog.
I do agree with you, I think it is important to let our children know our emotions. With this they learn to read and channel the others feelings and know how to react in situations.
Anel Vargas-Diaz
W 5:00pm
Emiley I enjoyed reading your blog. I found your thoughts on humor as a form of child rearing valid. I feel it is important for children to be disciplined and know that there will be consequences for their actions. My favorite quote within this chapter was, “We have to remember that while our children’s unacceptable behavior is short lived, how we handle that behavior has long lasting consequences” (p. 178). Like you, I feel that it is good to show your emotions and explain to your child why you feel the way you do. I also think it is important that we do not lose control of our emotions. Children need to see an array of different emotions in us in order to read and understand other people, as long as we express them appropriately.
ReplyDeleteAmber Archila
Emiley,
ReplyDeleteI appreciated the example you gave of your mother's reaction to you spilling the soda on the new carpet. I feel that your mother's response was indeed an effective way to "punish" you. She was calm, collected, and flexible. She explained why a certain rule was in place, she let you know how she felt about what you had done, and then let you know that it would be OK. I agree with you that this is another healthy way to "punish" or deal with such a situation. However, I don't think that Elkind was telling us to not react in this way nor do I think that he was suggesting that humor is the only way to deal with such a situation. I think he was making more of a suggestion for times when humor is need to prevent us from getting to worked up. As I read this section of your entry, I began to think about the many different situations that arise every day with a child. There are times where humor is necessary, times when it could be used, and in my opinion, times when it is not appropriate.