When you're able to tear your eyes away from the photo of that cute little baby, you'll be able to read this, and know that he is the new son of Kathleen, the author of our first entry on chapter 4. That's her holding him, of course, and you'll see in her entry that Elkind's ideas are really hitting home with her. Happy reading!
I am the brand new parent of a six-week-old little boy, and Elkind’s chapter on Child Play and Parent Angst could not have been more perfect for me. In this chapter Elkind talks about the pressures parents feel to raise their children by societal standards, even when those standards are not the most beneficial for the child. Elkind called the pressure parents feel to raise their children a certain way “parent peer pressure” (p.64). I have to admit that in just the few six weeks that I have been a parent I have felt the pressure to raise my baby the “right” way. I have received advice not only from my parents, in-laws, and friends, but also strangers in grocery stores! Everyone seems to know the correct way to raise a child, and people are not shy about telling you their opinion.
Elkind also talked about an “imaginary audience” (p. 65) that a lot of new parents believe is watching them. New parents are very concerned with how other people perceive them as parents, and they allow their imaginary audience to dictate how they parent, instead of using their common sense and values. I remember when I was in my ninth month of pregnancy I began craving iced coffee. All of my pregnancy I had abstained from coffee because I knew that caffeine could have some adverse side effects on the growing baby, but my mid-wife had told me that small amounts of caffeine in the third trimester wasn’t a problem. So, one day I drove to a Starbucks, but I just couldn’t get myself to get out of the car because I was so worried what the employees and customers inside might think of me. Would they think I was a bad mother for drinking coffee while pregnant? That is what an imaginary audience is. Looking back now, all of my anxiety about a simple iced coffee was just ridiculous.
Elkind believes that it is these and other pressures that lead parents to hyper parent, overprotect, and over program their children. A hyper parent can also be called a “helicopter” parent. They are the parents who constantly hover over their children to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing, behaving in the appropriate ways, and achieving the standards that their parents have set forth for them, whether it is in academia, sports, or private lessons. Hyper parenting can have lasting negative effects not only on the way a child participates in school, sports, and private lessons, but also on the parent-child relationship.
In the past, an overprotective parent was one who tried to preserve a child’s innocence for as long as possible. Today, overprotective parents are more concerned with their children’s physical well-being than their mental well-being. When I was a child I was never allowed to go trick-o-treating because as my father poetically put it, “That’s when all the crazies come out!” I was unfortunate enough to grow up with an over protective parent. I know he only wanted what was best for me, but because he was so worried about my safety in the world I missed out on a lot of childhood experiences.
Finally the pressures to parent properly can also cause what Elkind called over programming. Over programming is when a parent burdens their children with music lessons, tennis lessons, math tutors, and an abundance of educational toys and programs. Over programming can be very stressful on a child. Elkind states that parents need to realize that children will learn and grow so much more through spontaneous play than they will with expensive lessons and programs.
Elkind concludes that hyper parenting, overprotection, and over programming interfere with the interaction of play, love, and work. All in all, what I understand is that kids just need time to be kids; parents need to worry less about what other people are thinking about them; and that play is the best form of learning for children.
While your picture shows absolutely no indication of angst, Kathleen, I don't doubt your descriptions of the pressures you've already felt, so early in your son's life -- and even before he arrived! Not being a parent myself, I can only imagine what it must feel like to deal with that imaginary audience with regard to parenting, but I'm sure it's quite difficult at times. As a professor of child development who doesn't have children, I do try to put myself in parents' shoes, but your entry reminds me to do that more consistently and consciously.
ReplyDeleteKathleen, your story about iced coffees got a good laugh out of me. Do you know why? Well, I work at Planet Java on the weekends. One day a pregnant lady came through the drive threw asking for a hot cup of coffee. I wanted to ask her, "are you sure you should be ordering that?" Well at least now I know that pregnant ladies can have coffee in small amounts, thanks to you!
ReplyDeleteYou made some great points in your blog. I am not a Mom, hopefully in a year or two I will be, but I have never thought about the idea of "parent peer pressure". I feel if parents have their own way of parenting established and it appears to be working, there is no need for society to pressure a parent into parenting their child a certain way. Different things work for different babies. I think it is the parents choice on how they want their child to be raised, although I hope the parents know what is best for their child.
Autumn Olfert
CFS 140 W
Kathleen, that is an adorable baby boy you have! I don’t have any kids of my own, but I have been around to raise enough of my cousin’s children and I feel I can relate to the experience of having the imaginary audience you talked about. Elkind makes a point when he mentions about how parents sometimes have misguided thoughts. Most of the time it is hard to do an action that you may think others will judge afterwards. In addition, I agree with Elkind that resisting to what he calls “imaginary audience” is more than likely to have a positive impact on the child. I know it is no easy thing to do and no parent can be perfect, but we should all try to do what we think is best for our kids instead of trying to fit in with the rest of the crowd.
ReplyDelete~Christina A. ~
Kathleen –
ReplyDeleteI loved the way you drew on personal experiences and used lots of examples to explain and clarify the information Elkind presented! Even though I am not a parent, while reading this chapter and your entry I could not help wondering what kind of parent I will be. Naturally, I will want the best for my child, but I think it will be hard to listen solely to my husband’s and my beliefs.
I can already imagine my “imaginary audience” with regards to the controversy of putting children on leashes. I have a strong opinion that placing a restriction such as a leash is a little de-humanizing, especially when the parent has one or both hands free! Yet, what would I do if I had three children all under the age of five (like my mom did), all independent and wanting to go their own way? Would I be able to keep a hand on them all?! No! Yet, what would my imaginary audience think of me if I placed a leash on them? Would they think I was lazy and a bad mother? Therefore Kathleen, I am fully able to identify with your caffeine example and how you were nervous as to what others would think, because it is only natural.
I especially liked your quote about how “hyper parenting can have lasting negative effects not only on the way a child participates in school, sports, and private lessons, but also on the parent-child relationship,” how true that is!! I personally did not have parents who hovered, but I knew people who did, and when they entered high school they rebelled! They knew what their parents wanted and expected of them, and they did the opposite of their parents’ wishes out of spite! And this spitefulness had lasting negative effects not only on the child’s participation and achievement in activities, but it also took its toll on the parent-child relationship.
Kathleen, your post was not only excellent but very insightful and straightforward. I can only imagine how hard raising a new child will be, and how nervous as well, but I think you will do an excellent job because you are conscious of what not to do.
-Katie Carmichael
Kathleen-
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love the picture of you and your son and congratulations on being a new parent! As I read your entry, I thought how hard it must be to be a new parent and deal with an imaginary audience. We all deal with peer pressure differently but I assume (not being a parent myself) dealing with parent peer pressure can be very agonizing.
I thought it was funny when you mentioned you were receiving parenting advice in grocery stores. I agreed with your point about everyone seeming to know the correct way to raise a child. Parents have the difficult decision to decide if they want to practice what they learn from other parents because they want to do it the "right" way, but ultimately the only way is their way.
-Sara Markus
Just wanted to say congrats!! Your little guy is very cute.
ReplyDeleteI think you hit the nail right on the head when you said “everyone seems to know the correct way to raise a child, and people are not shy about telling you their opinion”. I think this is where the “imaginary audience” comes into play because no matter where you are or what you are doing you feel that you are being judged by others. No one wants to be perceived as a bad parent. I became a mom at a young age, so I always felt that people assumed I didn’t know how to properly care for my child. I think this is another reason why as children grow, parents “helicopter”. They want to make sure their child is doing what they are suppose to be doing and are behaving appropriately.
I am the mother of a nine-year-old son and I found this chapter to be very helpful also. The section on parental overinvestment rang some bells for me. Since I only have the one son, I stay very involved in his education, social life, and extracurricular activities. I do take his successes and failures to heart just like the book stated. If he does not do well I feel responsible, like I didn’t do enough to help him be the best he can. Elkind said that overinvestment can lead to a kind of intrusiveness in our child’s life. He went on to say that if continues, it can lead to resentment and rebellion in adolescence. I now know that I need to step back and have a little more faith that he can do things on his own.
Amber Archila
Kathleen,
ReplyDeleteThis is such a precious picture! It's so nice to have a face to picture now! I, like many of our classmates, am not yet a parent; however, I have seen examples of parent peer pressure that you spoke of. Coming from a large family, I have many aunts, cousins and other family members that all have strong opinions on the "right" way to parent. My family is also pretty outspoken and will make these opinions known. My mom told me a story about when I was a newborn and my grandma refused to let any of her grandchildren suck on pacifiers. My grandma made my mom feel like it was forbidden whether she agreed with my grandma or not. I don't really remember my grandma's reasoning behind this demand, except for that she felt that they were just unnecessary. Yes, this was twenty-five years ago, and still I see numerous babies everyday with pacifiers. They can't be evil, right? It just goes to show, that parents as well as non-parents have their opinions and they are usually not afraid to let everyone else know the "right" way to parent!
Mallory Melnar
Kathleen –
ReplyDeleteI can’t help but agree with the things that you and Elkind had to say. I especially liked that you referenced the way children are “over programmed” by their parents. I believe this to be a really serious issue that many parents are contributing towards. Over the past several years I have been working with children, and many of them seem to have at least 3 or 4 things they do after school several days a week. I am starting to wonder when children are going to have time to simply be children. When I was younger there was a two-year period when my mother put me in so many activities, outside of school, that I didn’t have enough time to do my homework. I was extremely stressed as a 7 year old, and began to have panic attacks because I wasn’t able to complete my schoolwork. Thankfully, she quickly realized that I was doing too much and cut down my activities. Now, I constantly find myself wondering if we treat children as “little adults” rather than as children, who need to be able to run and play outside with freedom from constant worry about having to participate in too many things.
Emily Brooks
I completely agree with Kathleen: parents try to live up society’s expectations. For example, my parents raised my siblings and I following what society portrayed as the “right way". I know my baby sister, who is 16 years old, feels this pressure now that she is raising my 7 month old nephew how everyone tells her to. Since she is so young she feels the pressures of this “imaginary audience.” Just like Elkin states, parents are more concerned about the physical well being of the child than their mental well being. I also feel that because of these societal expectations parents set high expectations for their children. This is to prove that they are “good” parents. Just like Kathleen said: parents need to not worry about society and worry about their children more.
ReplyDeleteAna Cisneros
Kathleen, I totally agree with you. When I had my daughter I was going through the same thing having people tell me how to raise my daughter, which made me unsure of my parenting skills. I started to worry that people were always judging me and talking about how bad of a parent I am. I think this was my imaginary audience so I was conscious about everything I did. I think, especially, new parents have this pressure of trying to raise their baby the best way possible, which I feel there is no right or wrong way. As time went on I decided to raise her how I wanted to because as a parent you know your child better than anyone else. It just makes you feel better going with your instinct rather than living up to others’ expectations. Parent peer pressure can be frustrating, but it is honestly up to the parents themselves.
ReplyDelete-Maihoua Lee
Believe me, Kathleen, I can relate with you on so many levels. People are not shy about telling you how to parent. I remember when my daughters were younger and we'd go to church. There were these "Church Mothers" who constantly gave me unwanted advice. One of the ladies would tell me how cold it was, implying that my baby needed a blanket. Fifteen minutes later the other lady would start fanning my baby, implying it's too hot for a blanket. Although I laugh now, I was very irritated then. Elkind continues to make great points regarding play, love and work. I hope I'm not that overprotective or over programming parent. I think as parents we are all trying to raise well rounded, productive children. I really think that's our goal. I know you’re tired of all the "parenting" advice. But I'd like to offer words of encouragement, if it's ok. Enjoy every moment of that cute little guy because they grow way too fast. Leslie Kelly
ReplyDelete