Lighthearted Parenting

Well, here's a nice bonus at the end of the semester -- an additional entry on chapter 8 from Ana! I think you'll appreciate her take on Elkind's ideas about using humor when disciplining children. Happy reading!

In chapter eight of Elkind’s book, the author discusses lighthearted parenting. At the beginning Elkind says that lighthearted parenting can make child rearing more effective and fun. Elkind also explains how humor can be used to integrate play, love, and work into a child’s upbringing.

Humor is clearly emphasized within this chapter. Elkind states that lighthearted parenting involves parents being capable of seeing the humor in different situations as well as using humor in parenting. Elkind illustrates the idea of parents seeing the humor in a situation when he tells the story of a boy named Andrew. Andrew is a boy who cannot sleep in his own bed. His dad talks to Andrew about this before he leaves on a trip. When Andrew’s dad returns from his trip, he is greeted by Andrew screaming, “Great news, Dad! No one slept with mom while you were away!”(p.172). Andrew’s dad was shocked, but instead of trying to explain anything to those around him, he was able to see the humor behind what his son had said, and instead laughed and hugged and congratulated him. This illustration is also used by Elkind to explain how humor can be used to incorporate play, love and work. For example, Elkind states, love was incorporated when dad hugged Andrew, and work was incorporated when Andrew’s dad socialized with him. This I feel does not happen as often because parents now care too much about what society thinks. This is the reason parents in this kind of situation would consider explaining the situation to the public, and completely ignore the child’s feelings. Another way of integrating humor into lighthearted parenting according to Elkind is through the use of riddles. After reading this section I agree with Elkind and can now connect humor to play, love, and work, which are essential to a child’s upbringing.

Elkind says that there are different ages and stages of humor. During infancy, humor may not be understood because real laughter does not take place until early childhood between the ages of two or three. At this age children think that funny faces, change in voice, and nonsense words are funny. An example given by Elkind, is Dr. Seuss because he uses many nonsense words in his stories. These nonsense words make Dr.Seuss books funny. Elkind says that we need to be careful about the words we use around children within this age range because children repeat what we say and can pick up swear words. Children who have reached the age of reason believe riddles are funny. During the age of reason, children still “do as we do.” Children at this stage can feel that if adults use humor in a degrading way, it is okay for them to do so as well. As adults we need to just figure out what humor is age appropriate and what humor is not age appropriate. This is something I completely agree with. Personally, I have seen a parent curse in front of his/her child. A bit later, the child repeats what the parent said and the parent laughs. As the child gets older, he keeps repeating this curse word all the time, and the parent no longer finds it amusing.

In this chapter, Elkind verbalizes the idea that humor can be used to discipline. Children need limits and when limits are set with humor, the child’s behavior is put in perspective. When using humor as discipline, parents incorporate play, love, and work through joking (play), deep affection (love), and social learning (work). Humor as a technique of discipline is effective and rewarding. I feel that if children are not given boundaries, they will not learn how to listen and follow directions. Children will not be able to work in today’s society filled with laws that need to be obeyed and followed.

Chapter eight shocked me because it talked about play including the sharing of our personal passions. Elkind said that sharing our passions can create life-long bonds. For example, if a teacher shows she/he is passionate about teaching, the children become excited about learning. Children have their own passions from a very young age and at times parents may oppose the passions of their children. This may lead to children caving into pressure and leaving their passion and/or losing their determination. A child who is determined will not give up his/her passions. I feel determination builds the child’s future character. If a child has determination, he/she will “fight” to achieve his/her goals.

Last but not least, Elkind states that family time is important and leads to important qualities in a child. Today with society being so fast paced, it is hard to make time for family, but it is essential, even if it means making sacrifices. Family time shows children they are important and valuable in our lives. Family time is important. I remember as a child in this society, my parents were always working; my family rarely spent time together. Once we decide to build a family of our own, it is important to be willing to make sacrifices because a family is the most important commitment.

Personally, before reading this chapter I was not aware the impact humor can have on a child’s education and upbringing. I would have never thought that humor could be effective in discipline. This is because I see humor as a joke and I feel that if someone is joking they will not be taken seriously. My perspective on discipline involved seriousness, but this chapter has completely changed my perspective on humor. After reading this chapter I completely agree with Elkind’s perspective on humor.

Bringing It All Together

This is Leslie, the author of our final entry, when she was a baby. Now, as an adult, she has FOUR children, and these are two of them -- her youngest, AJ, and her oldest, Alysha.


This is how she introduced me to her family: "AJ is my youngest, he keeps me busy. Alysha is the oldest and she is so much help. Since my children and I are all in school, we do homework together and we are very competitive when it comes to grades. My husband, Anthony Sr., works at night, and I work days and school in the evening. It’s a crazy schedule but it works for us. My 2nd daughter is Serenity, she is the peace maker of the house and keeps everyone laughing. Aleiya (Nae-Nae) is my 3rd daughter, she is very loving and tells me everyday how much she adores me. My 4th daughter and the reason I continue to keep pushing is my angel baby Sa’Ryah. She is and was our gift. Although we only got to keep her for 7 months (SIDS) she continues to impact our everyday lives."
Clearly, family is very important to Leslie, and you'll see how important play is to her, too, in her entry here. Enjoy!

During our weekly quiz, Dr. Reid’s iClicker stopped working. This incident forced us to use a piece of paper and a pen to answer the quiz questions. In a day and time when technology rules everything, it is hard to imagine a time when it was not around. Elkind begins chapter nine by acknowledging the power of technology in our classrooms. He stated that in times past, it was the teachers who brought materials into the classroom. Now, students come to class with a variety of learning “materials,” i.e. iPods, cell phones and mp3 players (p.195). He states that they only enrich subjects being covered in class. Technology has transformed the way we learn. Elkind refers to this as “The new Educational Reality” (p.197).

Elkind explores John Dewey’s method of teaching students. When John Dewey envisioned the ways students learn, he felt they learn best when they are challenged by a project. He termed it “The Project Method” of learning. His method combined creativity, self-motivation, and practical learning - play, love and work (p.196). John Dewey felt this is an effective way for students to learn. Although Dewey felt students learn best when they are engaged in an activity, he did not object to original teaching methods. Elkind feels this is what new technology in the classroom is allowing students to do. Students have their own pod casts, they are able to communicate with the teacher via electronic mail and even have classroom blogs. Blogs, can you believe it? Elkind explains that for Dewey, writing at the beginning of the 20th century prepared students to learn skills needed to survive in the industrial age. Using technology to learn enables students to learn skills needed to survive and succeed in the information age (p.197).

I loved elementary school. Not only did I enjoy learning new things, I loved the competition it invoked. I remember classroom competitions. We would earn prizes for the class who scored highest on the weekly spelling test, or who read the most books in a month. Every January we had put on a play to honor Dr. Martin Luther King; after all, the school was named after him. I can remember meeting new friends just by working alongside them when we were practicing our parts for the play. Things seemed much simpler then. Recess was only fourteen minutes but the fun kept going long after we returned to class. We did not have much technology. I can remember when we started using computers at school. The disks were the size of Frisbees! They would put the huge disk in a drive and it would read us a story. The headphones were massive. You could feel every bit of its weight on the top of your head. Going to the media center was a privilege and only select groups of students were allowed to go. I felt special to say the least. My favorite game on the computer was “Word Munchers.” I would munch and munch those misspelled words as if they had attacked me personally. I did not realize that was the beginning of the (much-anticipated) computer-age.

On the other hand, my children live in a much different world. They really do not remember a time without technology. Technology rules everything. Their classrooms and the curriculum are based on technology. They have assignments where they have to do internet research. They are required to comment on student news, a pod cast produced by CNN. They also have classmates and friends in other states that they keep in contact with on a monthly basis via Skype. Although technology is used at the forefront of their classrooms, they are still required to read textbooks and complete at least 2 hours of homework every evening. They are still involved in church activities, softball and peer mediation. This is possibly the point Elkind has been trying to convey to us throughout his book. Allowing students to learn in an environment that allows them to play only enriches their ability to learn. It must be conducive to their level of learning and not forced. I do agree that certain toys and games are geared towards pushing children to learn too soon and/or too fast. I believe children can become confused and frustrated when they are trying to learn a subject that they are not ready for. A child in Kindergarten learning geometry is ludicrous. Yet, many kindergarten teachers are pushing a curriculum that is too hard for their young students. Some school districts no longer allow recess and have taken out much of the extra-curricular activities that allow children to interact and implement a project-learning curriculum. As a parent, I look forward to Christmas plays and multi-cultural fairs that many schools still present. Not only do the children benefit but the parents benefit as well.
Elkind states that the combining of play, love and work is the means of successful academic achievement. Research given by psychologist Sara Smilansky also proves this theory. Smilansky studied children engaging in “socio-dramatic” play. This type of interaction promotes positive, intellectual and social development. Her study concluded that socio-dramatic play activates resources that stimulate emotional, social and intellectual growth in the child, which affects the way the child learns in school (p. 211).

Technology in the classrooms has only enhanced the ways in which children play. Allowing children to Skype, email and run their own pod-casts has broadened the concept of play. Nevertheless, person-to-person interaction continues to be that link that helps children develop socially; not the latest video game, but simply two children playing together. Children will soon have to face the many obstacles associated with just being a kid. Of course, we all want our children to be the next Einstein. I believe if we allow our children the space and time needed to grow, instead of Einstein, we may be raising the next President of the United States, or better yet, the next Dr. Reid.

The Final Chapter

Wow...I can't believe it. We have completed the entire book, and I'm now posting the first of two entries on our final chapter! This first part of our finale is coming to us from Jessica, and I think you'll enjoy reading her thoughts on our changing world and the role of play in the lives of modern children.

In Chapter 9 of Elkind’s book, he continues the discussion of combining play, love and work as the means of successful academic achievement. Elkind focuses on the school system, its past, present and constant changes throughout the years.

In today’s society, technology is growing at a record pace. Teachers today have to deal with cell phones, laptops, iPods, and social networks that seem to preoccupy the current culture. Looking back through my school years, it is now odd to see what kids are into today. I was 21 years old when I received my first cell phone. I have recently talked with a friend who was in the process of getting her 5-year-old daughter a cell phone. She also mentioned I should add her to my Facebook (I don’t even have a page). But, the point is, why are we so obsessed with our kids keeping up? Their focus should not be on technology; they should also have a grasp of the real world.

Although there are some negatives to technology, there are also many benefits. Nothing can stop us from receiving information, because all we have to do is “Google.” Students are now able to use current technological tools to help their education. It is a great opportunity for students and teachers to evolve in the manner their curriculum is being learned and discovered.

Elkind mentioned a few different schools that seem to have more heart in the manner their students are being taught. The problem is: Not everyone can afford Montessori or Waldorf schools. People who live in lower to middle class income communities should have confidence in the schools their children go to. But, the reality remains that many people have lost faith in the manner the school system is currently structured.

A shift in the system also occurred when I was going through the school system as a child. I recall my Wednesday junior high music class being cut short in the middle of the school year, due to budget cuts. This class was the one reason I loved to go to school in the first place. It was a different way of learning for me that I truly enjoyed and it planted the seed for my interest in music years later. Music and the Arts are the first subjects to get cut. School systems are now test-driven. The school’s funding may depend on scores, which add unnecessary pressure to students and teachers. Elkind mentioned in his book that this type of structured academia might cause anxiety and low self-esteem in students.

There are ways parents can still help their children. Elkind states, “Despite the public schools, it is possible for parents to give their children educational experiences that speak to their hearts, minds and bodies” (p. 213). I agree with Elkind and the suggestions he gave. For example, in the game The Dumb Books Caper, at a time with test-driven curricula, schools are not allowing students to think outside the box. This game gives students a chance to question the accuracy of textbooks. In E is for Ending, the child is allowed to come up with an alternate ending to a story. This helps the child be creative and helps them understand that writing can be open and flexible. This enables children to think of possibilities, instead of just limits.

Now parents must be more involved in their child’s school experience more than ever before. Although technology is useful and stimulating, parents need to encourage their children to enjoy the outdoors in order to be in touch with the natural world and reality.

One Grain of Rice

This is Marilyn Monroe...er, I mean, La! She wrote our third entry on chapter 8, and you can see that she has a sense of humor, which is obviously appropriate for this chapter! Enjoy.

Elkind’s suggestion to use humor as a form of child rearing is very interesting. It is easy to understand that humor integrates play, love, and work. However I feel that it is important to use humor when it is necessary. As Elkind has pointed out in his book, humor can be used to discipline a child. Using humor to discipline avoids focusing on the negative emotions and instead concentrates on the positive. An example Elkind gave was how his son, Paul, forgot to take the dog out in the afternoon while he and his wife were out. When they got home, Elkind discovered this, and rather than shouting and screaming, he imitated a popular TV program and released his anger in a way that he believed was humorous.

I feel that in using humor, you don’t deal with the real problem that needs to be dealt with. When Paul’s incident occurred, instead of using I-messages or effectively talking to work out the problem, Elkind expressed his anger in a way that attacked his son’s character or personality. I felt that learning what is wrong was not effective in this situation because Paul was not disciplined for what he had done wrong. Instead, Elkind used humor to ease the situation, and this tells the child that being irresponsible is acceptable. It’s true that Elkind did not attack his son’s ego, but was he able to effectively show his son that he was angry?

On the other hand, humor can do more than one thing for a child. It teaches the child to laugh, be happy, and be imaginative. Riddles can be used as humor to teach the child how to be imaginative. One riddle that struck me was, “What has four legs and goes tick tock? A watchdog” (p. 173). Even I did not know the answer, and when I read the answer I was amazed at how creative that was. Riddles are funny and a child can learn to use different ideas of how to solve a situation. Riddles are great for children because they are easy to memorize and usually very catchy. They can also discover different vocabulary words and views of things in their life.

Sharing our passions is something that I feel is very important. Teaching with passion is extremely different from just teaching a subject. When you listen to the way someone talks about a subject, you can tell how they feel about the subject by the tone they use when they talk about it. I recall a time when we were younger; we went to the farm everyday with my mom. That was a time when Hmong people all wanted to have fresh grown rice. My mom and aunts and uncles were all very excited about planting acres of rice because growing rice brought back the memories of them in their homelands. This therefore made us, as children, very enthusiastic about helping them out with planting, growing and the processing of making the freshly grown rice. Through this, we learned a lot together about the careful planting of the seeds and processing of the rice because our parents were teaching us with passion.

Play and Parenting

This is Emiley, the author of our second entry on chapter 8. She said, "As far back as I can remember, every summer, my parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents would all go together on a summer vacation to the beach for about a week. Now, since I'm older, I value my family time and realize how lucky I am to have a family that likes to do things together." Emiley has shared a few other family examples and compared them with Elkind's ideas about parenting. Happy reading!

Elkind describes lighthearted parenting as “parents making an ongoing effort to integrate play, love, and work into their child rearing practices” (p. 171). Parents accomplish this by using humor to socialize and discipline, by sharing their passions, and by establishing patterns of family play, games, and experience sharing.
In the beginning of the chapter, Elkind mentions the importance of toddlers needing to develop a number of expectations that parents can encourage with laughter. An example of this is putting on a silly hat or changing your voice when reading a story. Elkind expresses that these examples are the unexpected things that children find funny. For the development of a child, I agree with Elkind. However, on page 177, Elkind uses discipline with humor in a manner I do not agree with. An example that Elkind gives is Mom and Dad leaving their 12-year-old son home alone while they ran errands. The son’s only job was to make sure the dog went outside to relieve itself. When Mom and Dad came back and saw the “mess” on the carpet, Dad was upset. Dad wanted to yell at the son but instead he balled up his fist and pounded his palm and said, “To the moon, Paul.” This was a way for Dad to get his anger out and feel humored at the same time instead of making a big deal about it.

This incident reminded me of a similar, personal experience. When I was growing up, we had a rule of no eating or drinking in the living room because we just got new carpet. Well, I didn’t think that I was going to spill my soda, so I brought it in the living room despite the rule. My dog ended up knocking the cup off of the coffee table and the soda spilt. As I tried to clean up the mess, my mom walked in. Mom looked at me and said, “This is why we have rules. I’m mad that you did not follow them.” I felt bad for what I did and apologized to my mom. She assured me that the carpet would look like new after it dried. In this case, my mom did not use humor to discipline me, and I think that this is an alternative that I prefer to use instead of humor. I don’t think it is bad if you express what you actually feel to your child. However, I think it should be done in a manner where it doesn’t put down the child’s character or directly attack them. In lighthearted parenting, Elkind believes that the outcome of humor discipline is an “effective and constructive way of handling their emotion” (p. 178). I think that showing your emotions and explaining why you feel the way you do could have the same outcome.

Elkind also mentions that there are other ways to express lighthearted parenting. This could be sharing our passions with our kids and making time for our families. Elkind states, “One of the best ways of ensuring that our children both play and develop lifelong habits of play is to share our personal passion with them” (p. 182). Some examples of this that the book lists are fishing, gardening, golfing, etc. When growing up, I experienced this because my grandmother often shared her passions with me. I spent a lot of time with her after school when my parents worked late. My grandmother loved to work on her oil paintings in the evenings before dinner. I always showed an interest in what she did. Eventually, she bought me my own canvas, stand, paint and brushes and showed me some of her techniques. I value this time that I shared with my grandmother and I loved being able to spend that time “playing” with her. It’s a lifelong passion that I will always have. As Elkind concluded, “When we share experiences with our children, we come to appreciate them as individuals and give them the freedom to be the best that they can be” (p. 193). I feel that this quote is something from which everyone can learn.

Avoiding Parenting Traps

Our first entry for chapter 8 was written by Chai. She has shared interesting insight into her own parents' interactions with her as a child, and ways that she would like to parent now. Happy reading!

After reading Chapter 8 of Elkind, I started thinking of my family. Was my family a happy or unhappy family? Did my parents integrate play, love, and work into my everyday life? Did my parents use parenting techniques that made child rearing easy and effective? Were my parents lighthearted? I would say that there were times when the family was happy and times when the family was unhappy. I say this because play, love, and work did not exist in my everyday life growing up. There were times when my parents seemed lighthearted, but then, they weren’t. For example, I actually wished for my parents, especially my father, to not be so serious sometimes and have some humor to light up everyone’s faces when giving the family a lecture. Every time my father gathered everyone to have a talk, everyone in the room was silent except my father.

When I read about “how parents can use a sense of humor to bring play, love, and work into everyday child rearing” (p.171), I noticed that humor wasn’t used much by my parents when I was growing up, especially when we were out in the public. My parents were caught in the trap Elkind called “egocentric trap.” My parents only thought about themselves and how others would think of them. They did not think about how my siblings and I were feeling or thinking. I don’t want to get caught in the trap someday.

I believe that using humor is a great way to bring play, love, and work into a child’s everyday life, but I need to understand that the kind of humor I use on a three year old wouldn’t be the same kind of humor I would use on a thirteen year old. For example, I can probably make faces and change my tone of voice to make a three year old laugh, but when doing the same to a thirteen year old, the thirteen year old may just think that I’m weird.

I think that disciplining a child with humor is a great idea. It is a great idea because the anger that is built up in the parent is not directed at the child. The anger that was built up is brought out in a way that just brings laughter. I agree with Elkind that by disciplining using humor, parents accomplish goals which “manage negative feelings in a positive and constructive way, provide children an effective and constructive way of handling their own emotions, and provide a healthy model of parenting for children to use when they themselves have children” (p.178).

Humor is a great way to bring play, love, and work into a child’s everyday life, but I believe that sharing passions, sharing by example, supporting the child’s passions, having family time, and sharing experiences bring play, love, and work into a child’s everyday life also. By sharing my passion, my child will know what kind of activities in which I like to engage. Instead of sharing my passion directly, I may share by example. My child will see what kind of activities I enjoy doing by seeing me participate in the activities. Sometimes, children have different passions from their parents and I think parents should encourage children in whatever passion they have. For example, my niece loves to draw pictures. My sister can encourage my niece by supplying my niece with drawing supplies. I believe that the best time to share passions and experiences is during family times when the family is together.

Playing Is Much More Than Just Playing!

Our third and final entry on chapter 7 was written by Katie. She really related to the games and play discussed in this chapter, and this might be because she did a lot of wonderful playing as a child. Read on to share her childhood play memories.

In the seventh chapter, Elkind focuses on the idea that playing is not simply to have fun, but a critical part of childhood which helps to develop necessary social interactions such as cooperation, competition, and taking initiative within a group. It is the common idea that play is a child’s work, and it is through play that a child learns the majority of their abilities and interpersonal skills.

Middle childhood describes the ages in which game-playing with specific rules takes effect and children become fixated on right and wrong, following the rules and/or breaking the rules. These children deal with a desire to play the “right way” whether that is with a board game, physical rough and tumble game, or a hand-clapping game. I remember when I was young that I greatly valued rules! I was the child who would object and let the entire group know if someone was cheating or not playing some part of the game correctly. Little did I know, by my constant objections and tattling here and there, I was in fact learning how to deal with people when I did not agree with something.

I see eye-to-eye with Elkind’s view on forts, and how they are a place for children to develop who they are. Growing up, my two older brothers and I were master fort builders! We used anything and everything from couch pillows to desks, and from bed sheets to chairs. Our forts were not simple everyday one-room hideaways, but were intricate spaces with separate rooms, places to sleep and eat, and areas to actually stand up in! When we built, we built with a purpose – to have our own space, a secret space free from others (unless of course our rules allowed for others to enter). My brothers and I learned a lot about gravity by securing things in place with heavy objects, but we also learned to cooperate and work together; we did a lot of trial-and-error and eventually learned that six hands made light work. To this day, I can still remember coming home from school and wanting to find solitude in my fort.

Some of my favorite memories are of playing on my street with the other neighborhood kids. We played everything from Power Rangers to kickball, and cooperation and communication were key! Did anyone ever want to be picked last when choosing teams? No, but we always seemed to make a point of including those who were picked last and making them feel wanted (I would know, because every now and then I would be chosen last). Yet, those who were chosen last at kickball would be chosen first at Cops and Robbers; the rotation was ever-changing, and our feelings never seemed to get hurt because we knew we were better at something else. This is exactly what adults and teachers need to be focusing more on nowadays, making sure that children feel competent and successful with at least one thing.

How we as adults, parents, and teachers react to childhood games is crucial! Not only should we be “structuring the situation rather than structuring the activity” (p. 159), but we should also be more accepting and understanding of the influence games have in children’s lives – and in ours. For example, we have all played hide-and-seek and hid in a neighbor’s bush or behind their tree. As adults or “that neighbor,” we need to be accepting of their desires to play even if we are not crazy about them trampling all over our perfect lawns. My dad was the first to tell us not to play on our front lawn, yet he would give us alternatives and tell us our limits, without restricting our play, and in effect not becoming that mean neighbor to the other neighborhood kids.

Children are going to create, invent, and problem solve in order to play some game and enjoy their afternoon. They will learn from playing, and playing with others will in fact teach them necessary attributes for their future (things not learned through playing videogames day in and day out). Elkind says it best when he states that while “playing these self-initiated games is fun, it also helps children learn the interpersonal skills needed to become effective social beings” (p. 145).